Yesterday was the birthday of someone I love dearly but circumstances don’t allow us to be connected and share our lives with one another. I carry a lot of guilt over leaving this person and it’s difficult for me to accept that. Guilt is a darkness that sits heavy in us. I’ll speak for myself, guilt is a darkness that sits heavy in me. It crushes me and buries me in self-loathing. I think if I could have just done this one thing, it would have been different. If I didn’t leave…If I just…If I…

I was unhappy for most of my life, always focused on or distracted by the things that made me unhappy. It’s not a surprise that my life created more and more unhappiness, it couldn’t have been expected to create anything else.

Something I had to learn in my life was how to listen to my insides: my body, my emotions, my mind, and my spirit. I had to learn my souls’ language and strip from it the definitions that other people had placed on its words. 

I’m having a lot of trouble focusing in and figuring out where I’m at this week. It’s been a very challenging and exhausting few days and I’ve had trouble keeping up with myself and meeting my needs. I’ve been trying to write a post for this week and I’ve tried multiple times with different topics and I just can’t seem to get it out. I feel frustrated, anxious, and tired.

It was important to remain in pain because I thought that the current pain would validate my childhood pain—It didn’t. But even deeper, I thought that if I stayed thirsty (in pain) then hopefully, one day, my parents who never brought me that glass of water finally would. Bitterness trapped me in this hallucination of importance that I was broken enough to believe, that bleeding meant I mattered, and if I bled enough the ones who wounded me would mend me—They didn’t.

Welcome! In this first blog post, I would just like you to get a feel for who I am and what is important to me. I could tell you about what I do for a living, where I live, and if I love coffee or not, but those are not the things that matter to know right now. I want you to know how I feel and why. And I feel so inadequate for this…