You’re The Gift

It’s still a challenge, not to write, but to share. I spend hours every day writing, and I will still forget that a part of it is meant to be shared with the world.

When I sit in my chair, I write for myself and tuck it away on my bookshelf. I feel a sense of accomplishment, success, and fullness; I feel like a part of myself has been lived and enjoyed. 

But as soon as it is shared with the world (any amount of people outside of myself) all of a sudden the measurements of success, accomplishment, and fullness change. 

The demands for them become greater and I feel like an imposter. My writing feels like it doesn’t measure up like it’s white noise amongst many others saying the same things.

I become ravaged with imposter syndrome, I feel like I don’t belong, and it makes me queasy. 

I feel queasy because there are few things, if any, that I have felt more meant for. 

Not because I’m the best at it in any way, I have no intention of being the best, honestly. But it’s because I have hundreds upon hundreds of feelings and thoughts and this is the way they come out of me. This is the way I process the world and it’s where I feel I belong to myself most.

That should be enough.

That’s what I would tell anyone else is enough.

But somehow it makes me feel even more like an imposter. 

I guess that’s human though, a common feeling? Another manifestation of doubt I’m sure.

Maybe I’m just afraid to belong to myself because I haven’t felt I’ve belonged anywhere in the world yet. And because I haven’t felt I’ve belonged anywhere in the world yet, I question if I can; because I haven’t felt I’ve belonged anywhere in the world yet, I question if I ever will.

Why do we have to wait for the rest of the world to tell us, “Yes, you actually do belong to yourself in this way and we approve! Congratulations!”

Who are we to tell anyone yes or no in such a way?

We are all the same, made up of the same flesh and bones.

Wired differently, sure.

But that’s what gives us each the space to belong.

There is no one that can take our spot, because there is no one that is meant for our spot except us.

We don’t have to wait for the world to say yes. 

What makes me a writer is that I write, that’s it.

What makes you an artist, a musician, a creative in any way, is that you create. It’s that you do it.

My particular process with writing is a warring of emotions. It’s creating space to become intimate with whatever emotion rises that day and committing to its presence. 

Today it’s fear, it’s wanting to hide, it’s feeling like an imposter. It’s feeling like I’m not allowed to belong even in my own skin. This idea that someone could be me, better than I could.

I know that’s total crap that anyone could be me better than I could be me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we’ve got it a little wrong.

I think we’ve gotten ourselves wrong.

I don’t know a single person who see’s themselves rightly, I know I sure don’t. 

I’m not talking about blindspots that are negative, but the ones that are so so so positive. The ones that bring so much goodness to the world, but are somehow ignored.

I’ve been told countless times that I’m a gift. That my writing has brought so much life. That my life has brought encouragement and strength. 

And I still think it would be better if someone else did it. I still think I’m the imposter living the life that has brought encouragement and strength to others.

I think that because my life is made up of a mixed bag of trauma, mistakes, and toxic behaviors. Good things, too, but I think if I have been a gift to people with that grab bag of a past, then how much more of a gift would I be to people if I didn’t have it?

I’ve got it wrong, like many of us. My grab bag of a past IS the reason I’m a gift to people. It is the reason I can sit with emotion as intensely as I do. It is the reason I can see and understand people the way I do. It is the reason I never give up.

The same is said for you. All the shit in your life that you think is holding back beauty is actually creating more beauty. It’s creating understanding in you for others. It’s creating space in you for others. It’s creating love, compassion, patience, sometimes deep frustration, and the list goes on. 

You are not an imposter.

You are where you are, doing what you’re doing, because you’re you. Because of the strengths and weaknesses that life has given you. And it is beautiful that you continually give yourself to the world and GIFT us with your story.

Be the gift you are. 

Belong to yourself.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

With love,

Sarah