Kindness is Better

Coming from someone who has been and can be a royal ass hole, kindness is better. 

I’ve given two different versions of myself to the world: the sensitive, emotional, understanding one, and then the hard-shelled, walled up, tough exterior one. And it all depends on how threatened I feel that day, in that moment, or with that person.

I struggled with so much self hatred in this area because I couldn’t understand why It was so hard for me to be kind when I truly felt kindness in my heart. 

What was blocking it, why did kindness always start out one way and turn into something else when it came out of me? I genuinely just thought I was a bad person and it was disheartening that it was hard for me to love or be kind to others. I hated that I had to work at it.

And then it finally hit me, after about a year of therapy, intense self reflection, and lots and lots of reading, I realized it actually wasn’t hard for me to be kind and love others. It was very natural for me to love and be kind. But it was hard for me to not feel like everything was a threat and to not be suspicious of everyone coming into contact with me. I thought kindness always had a motive; they were being kind to me because they had something to take from me.

Once I realized this, it made more sense that some people would see and connect to my sensitive side right away and only be able to see that, and others would know me as, I hate this word, but a bitch. 

They were both right, I am deeply open and connected when I feel safe, and I am very intense and unmoving when I feel threatened. 

Accepting that these were the two very different experiences I was giving people was difficult, but I had to come to terms with that. 

I had to come to terms with how often I had put undeserving people through situations that neither of us liked. Because I was feeling vulnerable emotions in front of that person or in a place where I don’t feel safe to, and those emotions started to come out sideways because I was trying to create safety for myself in a backwards way. 

They became a casualty in the battle between my heart and fear.

My fear would insist on ill intent from the person or situation at hand, and my heart would just want to love them. But feeling threatened was always about not letting that person or situation take advantage of me or wrong me — because I couldn’t make sure of that when I was a child. I felt like a very pure and innocent part of me was tainted because of the things that happened to me, and I was dead set on not letting it happen again even if that meant ignoring the love I felt in my heart for a person. It was always love or protection. I didn’t understand yet, that real love and protection are always partnered with each other.

We are complicated beings.

I always want us to be simple, or give a simple answer, but we’re just not. 

We are mishandled humans who mishandle other humans, who are hardwired for connection and intimacy, but hide from it when it shows because we’re also scared, but we’re also lovers. We are emotional and we can’t handle ourselves and our emotions with orders and threats, this is why kindness is better.

When we show kindness, we invite a breath. We invite acceptance of the human being in front of us. We invite love. We invite humanity. We invite intimacy and connection.

When we don’t show kindness, we invite tension. We invite defense. We force others to hold their breath and brace themselves for what’s about to come.

This is something I’m still working on, I’m still wading through trauma and healing wounds, I might be my whole life. That’s ok. But a value I hold greatly, is not allowing everyone to have to manage and carry my emotions anymore.

I work at that every single day and I can see how much it changes the environment around me when I am able to do it well. Not everyone is receptive to it, there are people that won’t grab onto it because honestly, I’ve given them no reason to. That’s ok. 

But I can give them an invitation to breathe around me and they can choose to trust it or not. And if they choose to trust it, I have to be trustworthy of it. 

Your life and your interactions with others are not about doing it perfectly and knowing exactly how to do it from the start. Your life is about paying attention. It’s about being intimate with yourself and the environment you’re creating around you. 

If you can’t breathe there, if you’re bracing yourself, if you’re uncomfortable, chances are the people around you are as well. Your life will always effect more than just you and what you put out into the world always creates more of itself.

Kindness is better.

With love,

Sarah