HIM

Emotion and pain flew out of me. One moment I was numb and the next I felt a deep pain in my chest and I groaned. I wept. I could have thrown up. And then as quickly as it came, it left.

Is this true grief?

Of all the pain I’ve felt in my life, I’ve never felt this.

I told myself I wouldn’t hide from the process. I wouldn’t hide from the pain. I wouldn’t hide from the tears. I wouldn’t hide from the love. I promised myself I wouldn’t run from any of it.

And in the midst of it all, I feel promise. Promise of love. Promise of goodness. Promise of joy. Promise of family.

There it is again. It is like waves. It pulls away and rolls right over me again. My body feels exhausted, my body shakes during it.

Is it releasing? I think it is.

I think this pain with him opened the door to all of my grief.

Maybe I can only feel the grief I do because of the love I came to know with him. He opened the door to what was hidden in me: The love and the pain.

My body feels heavy, like cement. I’m so tired.

He’s in every moment. When I choose love, he’s there in it. When I choose to feel, he’s there in it. When I get up and do all that needs to be done, he’s there in it. He was my greatest gift because he brought me home to myself.

I cannot feel this pain without feeling the love. I cannot honor this absence without honoring the presence. I can only grieve him because I know him.

Every step I take from here on out will have his love in it. Because I would not know me without knowing him. That is the legacy he leaves me with.

This too shall pass. It is true with every moment, every experience, good and bad. It will all pass. What we do with it all when it is with us and after it leaves us is up to us. How we allow it to pass us is up to us. But we cannot choose it, whatever it is, to miss us.

There are moments we can choose to only see the pain that something is bringing, to only embrace the heartache, and hold on so tightly that the moment spoils into bitterness. Letting pain close us up, not allowing the moment to pass by as it was intended, and the bitterness begins to rot the memories. This is what happens when something sits much too long and it lives beyond its time.

There are also moments where we can choose to let the pain pass and find the light in the next moment. In order to do that, we must open our hands, our hearts, our minds, and let the moment before go. We don’t get to the light without going through the dark, and we don’t survive the dark without knowing the light.

I am in grief. I am cracked wide open. And I am most proud of my unwillingness to close it up.

I accept this moment. This too shall pass and I will be open to the next. And when the next comes, I will know how to hold it gently, lovingly, kindly, and fully. Because what passed before taught me how. What passed before gave me the gift of now, and now will leave me with the gift of next.

Thank you.

I love you.

Sarah.