Dissociation Kills Gratitude

I’m having a tough time writing this. I struggle to write anything that I feel I can stand next to and be proud of when I’m numb and dissociating, and this week I’ve been dissociating a lot. I’ve had a hard time feeling what I need to feel and showing up for myself emotionally. 

I thought that wasn’t something that I struggled with anymore, I thought I had turned a corner and was connected with myself in a way that wouldn’t lead me to hide or run anymore. 

I was naive to think so.

I forgot that healing isn’t linear. You walk the road you’ve walked over and over again and you know it so well you think there’s nothing new to see, to know, to find. But the worst ones are buried deep. The worst ones are hidden in places that are hard to find because trauma has wiped the map from your brain.

Some things happened in these last two weeks that led me to walk this road again. And this time I was led to what felt like the edge of a forest that was overrun with unchecked fears and full of neglect. I’ve tried to turn around and walk away multiple times, but I keep finding myself back here at the edge of this new found ground in me. This new ground that desperately needs my attention and care and love. I can’t walk away, but I can’t walk in.

I would share more about that, but it’s not ready yet. 

So I’ll share about how aside from dissociating, it’s also been hard to feel gratitude this week.

Yesterday I was going about my day, struggling to take in the good around me, and I got so frustrated with myself because I am not willing to walk through life without gratitude. 

It is a non negotiable for me in my life.

And in my frustration of not being able to feel gratitude, I realized it’s because I’m not present in the moment. 

I’m dissociating and that’s not only taking me away from the things I’m having a hard time feeling, but it’s taking me away from gratitude. 

I cannot hide from the hard stuff without hiding from what I’m grateful for. It is ultimately my intimacy with my pain that gives me intimacy with gratitude.

I’m thankful for that, for many reasons, but mainly because it gives pain a purpose when we can’t find its purpose. It reminds me that balance is the most important and it is detrimental to run from either side of your humanity. It reminds me that if I’m not grateful, then I’m not present, because no matter how terrible things look and feel, there is always something to be grateful for.

You have to be present, you have to BE in your life wherever you are to feel and find whatever it has for you.

I’m grateful for all of you that are walking with me on my writing journey. 

I’m grateful for my three, always.

I’m grateful for my home.

I’m grateful for tenacity.

I’m grateful for emotions, all of them.

I’m grateful for another day.

That’s all this week, short and sweet. I’d love to hear what you’re grateful for, send me a message and let me know.

With love,

Sarah